Bereavement care after stillbirth or infant death

THE DEATH OF A BABY is an awful event, and we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing and making it worse. A Diocesan Officer and former Children and Families Worker, who suffered both a stillbirth and a miscarriage, offers suggestions to help church leaders, family, friends and colleagues to support those who have had similar bereavements.

I had a stillbirth at 27 weeks and a late miscarriage at 18 weeks. I hope the suggestions below will be helpful – they are from me and other bereaved parents, to help you navigate this challenging pastoral situation. Some of these are general tips that apply at all times, some more specific to this situation.

Do

• Use the child’s name, if they were given one. Refer to them as ‘your son’ or ‘your daughter’ or ‘your baby brother/sister’. Acknowledge that, to the family, they are a full person, and a full member of the family.
• Ask, ‘Would you like to tell me about your baby’?
• Allow space for grief and lamentation before trying to provide comfort or reassurance.
• If the parishioner is a grandparent, remember they’re coping with two things – the loss of their grandchild, and also the pain of watching their child go through something terrible. They may be concerned with being a good parent to their child, and neglect their own grief. Give them a chance to focus on themselves – you can be a safe place they take their grief to.
• Encourage the family to make memories and honour their baby – the book ‘Empty Cradle, Broken Heart’ is a helpful guide. But remember everyone has their own timeline – some will want to look at photos immediately, some not for months, if ever, for example.
• Think of what forms of virtual support can be offered. Food and flower deliveries will be appreciated, and remind a family they’re cared for.

Don’t

• Judge any decisions the family had to make. Some parents may have had to end a wanted pregnancy, or turn off a life support machine, and could be feeling guilt or shame. Assure them that God knows they made the most loving decisions they could, in horrific circumstances.
• Try not to find any ‘at least…’ silver linings. The family can take the lead on ‘at least he didn’t suffer…’ and things like that, but it’s more difficult when people not directly affected say those things.
• If you’re close to the person who lost their baby, don’t over-extend yourself and burn out. Be serious and intentional about caring for yourself too – whether that’s a phone call to a friend, or your one walk a day, or closing the door on your family for an hour of silence, or whatever you need. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Resources to help

• Pinterest board of resources for church leaders, including children’s books for siblings, some readings and liturgies for funerals, and organisations to refer onward to.
• Sands, the stillbirth and neonatal death charity has online resources, including a forum and a helpline. The Miscarriage Association also has online and phone support. Even online support can help families feel less alone.