How to stay in touch with families after a funeral
People often have their family and friends around them soon after a funeral, but a church that stays in touch now prepares the way for future contact
FRIENDS, NEIGHBOURS AND FAMILY MAY be there for each other in the weeks immediately after a funeral, but deeper questions and needs may arise as time goes by.
The family may not be aware of what happens next regarding the ashes, or that the church can be involved. It’s important to be available to them and show the continuing care of their church; civil and independent celebrants generally will not be able to offer this.
The family may appreciate a ‘how are you’ visit, but there are other ways to show your care:
Ashes
- If a family has chosen to have a cremation, remind them that you can be there for them when the ashes are interred.
- Liturgy is simple but offers a message of hope and comfort. View it on the Church of England website here.
- Staying in touch and offering to be there when the ashes are put in the final resting place can also ensure the family have actually collected them. Funeral Directors report many unclaimed ashes and you can support both the family and the Funeral Director by checking the ashes are laid to rest.
NB: Families might keep the ashes in their home in the weeks soon after the funeral. This can be part of a grieving process, perhaps holding on to a sense that the person is still in some way there. As time goes on, the ashes may move from the mantelpiece to less visible parts of the home. Notice this when visiting, because it can be a hook for pastoral care over time, and open the door to discussing the actual final resting place when the family is ready.
Pastoral support
- Liturgy is available to offer words of comfort at home after a funeral. View it on the Church of England website here.
- Around one month after the funeral, sympathy cards are often taken down and messages of support may begin to subside. This is a good time to assure the family of the continuing support of the church. A special card can be used for this – see one example on Church House Publishing.
- There is also a series of other cards available which can be sent to the family as time goes on, for example one month after the funeral, one year, two years. See all the designs on the CPO website. They offer the continuing thoughts, prayers and support of the church. There is no prescription for when they should be sent – the appropriate intervals of time between each card may differ for each family.
- If your church has a pastoral team with training in bereavement support, this may be a good time for them to visit the family and introduce themselves.
- You may wish to point people to www.churchofenglandfunerals.org for information about ashes, memorial services and bereavement support.
- Don’t forget that friends and neighbours may also be grieving, and that a recent death might link back to other losses experienced over the years.
More ideas
These ideas offering families pastoral support after a funeral have been tried in parishes, and may offer further inspiration:
Prayer ministry shawl
This is something that a friend has shared with me. After her dad had died, a couple from her local church came around with a squishy, slightly irregular parcel. In it was a shawl that had been knitted and prayed over by another member of the congregation. It came with a little postcard-sized card explaining that it was a prayer shawl.
My friend said that it wasn’t particularly beautiful to look at – but she found herself wrapping it around her when she was feeling low – and when her husband had to work away from home. She said that she couldn’t really explain it, because she is usually a logical person and could easily have gone and got any jumper or blanket, but still she used the shawl. It brought her comfort – like a hug.
She also pointed out that it was very much lay prayer ministry – anyone with basic knitting skills in the congregation could do it. Idea sent in by Cathy Myers
