Practical and pastoral tips for meeting a newly bereaved family

RESEARCH COMMISSIONED BY THE ARCHBISHOP’S Council gave valuable insights about the needs of bereaved families while planning a funeral. Read on for how this learning can be applied when you meet them for the first time.

In the earliest stages of coming to terms with a death, families are looking to plan a funeral that remembers the unique life of the person who died, with personal touches that create a fitting tribute.

But in a time of shock and distress, they also need space to express their own grief, something that may get overlooked. We can be there to help them say goodbye, and find comfort and hope.

Good communication between the church and the Funeral Director is crucial at this stage to help with balancing these needs. As soon as possible after speaking to the Funeral Director, the minister who is going to take the funeral will make contact with the family, and usually arrange a visit.

On the phone

• A phone call soon after the death, which comes with sympathy, understanding and assurance that the church will be with them at every step, will make the family feel cared for and reassured.
• Check names at this point and if choices have already been made through the Funeral Director, affirm them.
• Explain the purpose of coming to see them and ask when the most convenient time is for visiting.

At the visit

This is the opportunity to:

• Offer personal sympathies again.
• Listen. Talking about the circumstances of the death is often therapeutic for the family – listen to the story of what happened if they seem to want to talk about it.
• Show care and interest in the unique life of the person who died. Always refer to the person who died by their name, never ‘the deceased’ or ‘your loved one’, as this comes across as impersonal. Ask if they were known by a nickname or abbreviated name, and whether it would be appropriate to use it at the funeral.
• Talk through the service, helping them to make choices as appropriate. Many families will make traditional choices, but be as flexible as you can. Explain what a funeral is for – to say goodbye, to give thanks, to commend someone into God’s care. Helping the family feel they have contributed to the service is really key.
• Affirm their choices – whether about coffins, location, flowers, music and/or hymns. This all helps to make the service reflect the unique person whom God loved and created.
• Talk about the eulogy and/or talk – telling their story, telling God’s story, offering help with choosing Bible readings as well as others, as appropriate.
• Learn about the person who died. If a family member wants to do the eulogy, still gather an outline of the person’s life and interests so that links can be made which make the service very personal in the prayers and at other times. Hobbies, interests, personality quirks, anecdotes, things that were important to them, will all help.
• Tell the family about the funeral pages on the Church of England website to help them with making choices about the service if they need it. It also offers information about attending a funeral, so the family may wish to let others know about the website too. The website also offers a way to pray at home with a virtual ‘Light a candle’ tool. It’s possible to share the virtual lit candle with others on Facebook and Twitter.
• Share practical insights and information, perhaps about what others have done. The Loss and Hope website can be a helpful resource for bereaved people, whether recently or long ago.
• Tell the family their church is praying for them – perhaps leave them a card (see below for resources to help).

After the visit

After meeting and planning the service, there might be anything from a few days to over two weeks before the day of the funeral. This can be an especially difficult time for the family and all those who will attend.

Be available to give guidance to the family if they need it, particularly if someone is going to do the eulogy or readings. If you have time to offer extra support, you may be able to offer rehearsal space, with you or another experienced colleague, or offer practical tips on writing a good eulogy, if they’d like that help. The Church of England funerals site offers tips on this too.

You might also like to commend the At A Loss website, offering support to anyone who has been bereaved, whether recently or long ago.