How to help couples think about marriage in a single session
A ten-step guide to talking about marriage to couples as part of preparing them for their big day
RESEARCH UNDERTAKEN ON BEHALF OF the Archbishops’ Council shows that when it comes to preparing for marriage, most couples prefer the idea of a single session rather than a week- by-week course. It can still be an opportunity to talk about the vows, the meaning of the liturgy and God’s place in their marriage. Here’s how.
Key research learnings
Insights from Church of England weddings research on preparing couples for their big day include:
- Contact with the vicar is a really important thing for couples – because the vicar will be doing the service, they want to get to know him or her as they plan the wedding, so lead or at least be present at events which prepare couples for their marriage.
- The unique vows of a church wedding are profoundly attractive to couples and are one of the key reasons they seek a church wedding.
- Ideally, couples would like a single session where they can take time to think about these vows. Take a look at the single session ‘template’ below for implementing this, designed by the Revd Andrew Body.
- According to research, the word ‘marriage preparation’ is a phrase disliked by couples and clergy for all sorts of reasons. An alternative might be to call your event ‘Space to think’. If you’d like to, the couple can be invited using a ready-made card.
Single session template for hosting a ‘space to think’ event
The Revd Andrew Body, author of Growing Together and Making the Most of Weddings, devised this single session template of ten steps, so that the vicar and couples can talk about marriage as part of preparing for the big day.
1. Choreography
Top of mind for most couples is the detail of the service. They are often worried about the mechanics of who stands where and does what and when. Use this as a jumping off point to talk about the meaning in all this. Do they choose to come in together or start separately? So is this the beginning of the book, or a new chapter in it? If they leave arm in arm, they are acting out the two becoming one.
2. The Ceremony
The Common Worship Marriage Service can be seen as offering a helpful pattern for preparation.
- The Welcome raises the issue of awareness of God
- The Preface sets out basic teaching about Christian marriage
- The declarations focus on the couple’s intention to marry
- The Collect, readings and sermon provide a range of reflections on marriage
- The vows, giving of rings and Proclamation offer a way in to look at the decision to be married.
- The blessing and prayers give an opportunity to talk about the place of prayer in marriage
3. The Preface
This is a summary of some of the Church’s teaching on marriage – the theory which they want to put into practice. Each paragraph offers opportunities to explore huge ideas:
- What we all are here to do – not just to watch, but to play a part;
- Marriage is not a human invention, but God’s original design for life. All the legalities and ceremonies are barnacles that have grown on a boat which unites human beings of all races and cultures;
- Although we think about just two people, what they are doing affects the whole of society – good marriages make life better for everyone;
- This is the start of something big – God’s ‘purpose’ is a reminder that there is something each couple can do in this world which no-one else can. They have a unique opportunity…
4. The Declarations
What do the words ‘love, comfort, honour and protect’ really mean? Like all ‘big’ words, they need to be anchored in real life. In ‘forsaking all others’ they are not only drawing a line under any previous relationships, but also fixing a ‘Sold’ notice on their own back – they are no longer on the market. The promise from everyone else is to support, not to interfere – these two people have to work out what marriage means in their own way. What will this mean for them?
5. The Readings
Choosing the reading(s) involves discovering what speaks most powerfully to them. They will learn a lot about each other’s spiritual awareness as they discuss this. Asking what led them to their choice opens up all sorts of conversations. They can get an idea about hymns and readings on the Church of England’s wedding pages, written especially for couples.
6. The Vows
The Vows are totally ‘feet on the ground’, yet they are hugely attractive to people today. If they are living together, these big promises (you can only make them in church, of course) may be a watershed between their past and their future. What difference will they make?
7. The Rings
The unending shape of a ring is a great picture of the vow of unending love. But what does this ‘sign’ mean to them? The words are poetic ‘all that I am… and then very down-to-earth’ and all that I have…’ We have to learn to think ‘ours’ rather than ‘mine’. How far have they travelled that route?
8. The Symbolic Acts
The first person makes the vow, and then reunite hands – because each must make the choice for him or herself. At the Proclamation, they may have their hands wrapped in the minister’s stole – that is the origin of ‘tying the knot’.
9. The Proclamation
This is a great opportunity to underline that it is they who marry each other. The minister’s task is to proclaim to everyone they have done it. The ‘those who God has joined’ sentence begs the question of what things and people get in the way of marriages today – they may have witnessed this among their own friends….
10. The Prayers
So, we began with acknowledging God’s presence, and we end by talking to Him. Edward Patey, one time Dean of Liverpool, used to ask couples: ‘What is it you want to say to God?’
The law doesn’t let you write your own vows, but you can write your own prayers if you wish. What prayers will they choose and why?
Resources
If you haven’t offered one already, you might like to give your couples a small gift at your ‘Space to think’ event – a simple tealight with a written prayer will let them know they are in God’s care as they plan their wedding. You can make your own, or use this ready-made one available at Church House Publishing.
